It's time for me to say something, that I've been holding back for over a year now.
I like girls, too.

I'm having an episode. No one seems to notice. No one seems to care. 

Making plans for this year with my friends is going so good. Ladies day on the 5th June and HOLI festival of colours on 12th September, on top of New York and possibly Amsterdam, and a trip to Kent for a few days too. Planning a trip to Bournemouth in March as well :) 

This year suddenly got a whole lot bette

John Lennon said 'how can I go forward when I do not know which way I am facing' and that is the most accurate vision of depression I've ever come across. 

I have been feeling fairly down about myself lately, and I can't explain why or what it is that I've been feeling down about. My mum suggested I have holiday blues but if that's the case I'm having serious withdrawal from Liverpool. It's unlikely to be that. But I don't know why I feel so miserable. And I am. I'm fucking miserable. 

I'm so stupid. I cut myself the other day, for the first time in over a year. And the worst part is I don't even know why I did it. I wasn't even thinking as I cut into my skin, and it wasn't until I'd seen the blood that I realised what I had done. Now I'm wearing long sleeved t-shirts and flinching every time someone comes near to my wrist. I don't know why I did. I'm more messed up than I realised, I guess. 

One week until Liverpool! I'm absolutely dying for this trip, 4 days in the Hard Days Night hotel, with the Cavern and the Friends cafe just around the corner, with my best friend! Beyond excited! I'm counting down the days! 

Sometimes it's screaming, crying and smashing plates. 

Sometimes it's numbness and quiet and 'oh my god why am I not dead.' 

And sometimes it's getting up anyways and staying alive, even if you don't want to. 

I've been writing poetry all night. It's when I realise today would've been the one year anniversary of my relationship with Matt. It all started on this day one year ago. I couldn't be more glad that we aren't together. I've never had so much distaste for someone as I do for him. My poems express that distaste. 

2015

The year hasn't started great what with losing my job and all that but 2015 already has so much to offer.. It starts with a trip to Liverpool, a visit to the Harry Potter studios, a city break in Amsterdam, a long trip to New York followed by a short visit to Germany. I'm going to try so hard this year, with my friends, with potential relationships, I'm going to participate (sorry about that,  taking quotes from my favourite book isn't cool, but then again, fuck you it is cool.) All this amazing stuff is happening, I'm going to be 21 this year! Now THATS a celebration.. I'm also planning on visiting friends at their universities, Brighton, Coventry and Birmingham. 2015 hasn't started great but it has the potential to be something truly amazing. And I have faith that it will be.