So I've just read that my ex boyfriend has reached his one year anniversary with his girlfriend. I would like to point out that he neglected to tell me he even had a girlfriend for the entire time that we were together. 

Someone please tell me why he is okay but I'm still in pieces. How is it okay that he is fine but I am not. 

people need to start appreciating me. i'm not going to be here forever.

New Beginnings

I've met someone. Someone that doesn't make me think of Matt anymore. He just hugs me and I feel safe. I look at him and I want to jump his bones. No one has made me feel like that. 

After a break from kickboxing, I had forgotten how amazing it makes me feel. I feel ten times fitter for a start, but I also feel empowered. I feel amazing because it's something I am doing on my own. I don't need my mum or my best friend to hold my hand. I do this because I love it. I love how tough I feel, I feel in control. And I need to remember that before I make a lame excuse not to go next week. 

When am I going to get a new life?

This week has by far been one of the most awful weeks of my life (excluding of course the times when I lost my nan and my auntie). After having 2 panic attacks, a knee injury, a broken heart and repeat insomnia, life thought it would be so kind as to ruin my weekend too. I was sexually harassed at work yesterday (is it harassment if it only happens once? Answer: yes.) my work have fucked up my holiday (again) and today they had me running all over the place and dealing with nasty customers and being absolute fucking wankers when I told them I needed a minute to breathe. I'm so done. My mum has been giving me 'I hate you' vibes all week and my brother went out for breakfast this morning with our nephew and didn't invite me. My nephew lives in swanage and I haven't seen him in 6 months. But nobody thinks about me. Nobody cares that I'm depressed, they just brush it off, tell me I'm being dramatic. I'm so sick of it. I'm so sick of my life, when can I upgrade to a better one?

After having the most brilliant birthday weekend, being spoiled rotten and having the most amazing friends and family in the world, it's now time to get serious. 20 is a grown up age so it's time to start acting like a grown up. I'm working harder at university, I'm making life goals and traveling plans with my wonderful friends. Things are starting to look up. I'm working harder and appreciating the little things, and the horrible stuff doesn't get to me anymore (well not too much anyway) - yes it's still hard and this depression is still lingering but things get better with time. I feel proud of myself and I know my Nan and Caroline would be too. It's time to embrace the happy, instead of being the numb, empty person I was before. It's time to welcome new relationships and build bridges with those I have lost touch with. It's a fresh start. 

Happy birthday to me!!!

I hate hate hate birthdays. Every year I'm let down. Those people who drop out at the very last minute, with some lame excuse or another, it makes me want to cancel the whole event. I'm so nary and pissed off right now, I wish I hadn't organised this stupid party now. 

There comes a time in your life when you just wake up. All of a sudden the skies are bluer and the grass is greener. You wake up from the dreams you've been living and life becomes a reality. 

That's what my first day of my second year of university has been for me. Bumping into M, starting my journalism course, reducing my work hours, it's all been the major wake up call that I have long needed. 

My heart stopped a little as I looked up to see M walking towards me. When he picked me up and pulled me into a heart crunching hug, I was breathless. My entire reality snapped back into focus as I realised the one thing I wanted more than anything else in the world was stood right before me, and that feeling had been there for months. He's the one. The only one.

Journalism started well, my tutor telling me to keep going with my blog. My future career paving it's way towards me with just the one module change. Reporting news, investigating news, creating news, it's my calling. 

Why can't I have the incredible career, the boy, the family. That's the dream. That's my dream. 

I wasted so much time thinking you were the one,

It shouldn't have taken me this long to be done,

I got tired of playing your silly little games,

You're still thinking that we're the same,

All it took was you cheating again,

And no, we cannot be friends,

Coz I'm not the only one to be getting hurt,

I'm the only one who's left in the dirt,

Behind your dusty tyre tracks,

And you just keep coming back, back

You're back again but for how long?

I think you know I'm not that strong,

I just wanted to be adored,

And instead I'm just being ignored,

I can't let you go even though I try,

Please let me go it's my turn to fly.

It's called a break up because it's broken

Thank you Amazon for recommending me this book. Thank you Gred Behrendt & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt for writing this book. This book got me through some dark times. It helped me fully understand my break up with FWD, this book helped me to get over him, finally. From the authors of 'He's just not that into you' (which was created into a movie in 2009) the story tells of past relationships from both the male and female perspective. This helped me through all my break ups, and I even shared most of the wisdom onto my friends.
The title is enough to captivate me. It's so obvious and blunt, but it is the hardest part of a break up, accepting that it's over and moving on. While reading, I pictured myself standing there in front of my ex, releasing my emotions and telling them exactly how they destroyed me. The book encourages you to release your feelings, only to the right people. Basically, that boy/girl who dumped you doesn't want to hear about how they broke your heart.
My first thought was to keep an online diary, but I was tok scared of having my private thoughts unleashed for the whole world to see. So instead, I created a word document, and every negative thought I had went straight onto it. at the end of each month, I would print it out, destroy it, then delete the file. Pretty soon, the things that made me mad no longer had an effect on me. It was brilliant.
The authors know exactly what they're talking out, and they make you believe that anything is possible again.

Claire 💖

Claire's birthday is coming up, now I'm not going to post what I'm buying her because she reads this blog 😂 I want to do something special for her because I am unable to make her birthday meal, although we have our cocktails night at our favourite bar, Surburban. I've put so much thought into this present, because Claire deserves to be spoiled. She deserves to be shown kindness because she has shown nothing but kindness and care for me. I wish I was able to return the favour, hopefully her birthday gift will shown even a smudge of how much I care about her. She's one of my closest friends. I love you Claire Bear 💞💞

Realising your dreams

I know what I want now, my main career goal. I want to work for the rolling stone, in New York. Talking about rock music and devoting my life to 80's and 90's rock and grunge, it's my calling. I'm going to get there. It's where I belong. 

The commitments

Going to the theatre is the greatest passion I have. The combination of musicals and the 80's, the commitments was directly up my street. It had the right amount of comedy, music, soul and love. I've never experience anything quite like it. 

So I've been writing again. I'm so glad because it's been so long since I was inspired, and I have no idea where this inspiration is coming from. I want to hold on to it, I want to keep it close to me before I lose it. Fiction is my art, I want to keep it close. 

Let it be

Beatles tribute bands are cool. I'm so punk. 

Livi ❤️❤️❤️

I've really gotten into this meditation stuff. It's making me see things clearly, things are no longer muddled in my head and I feel a certain sense of clarity in my soul. That sounds so lame, but it's true. The combination of both Pilates and meditation is doing wonders for my self worth. I've really come into myself. I've reignited my love for the edgy music I used to be into, and I've opened my eyes  to all new experiences. I want to travel, but I don't want to make travelling plans. I just want to go. I want to live my life with spontaneity. I love this new image I am representing. I'm not going to wish to be a better person, I'm going to BE a better person. I came up with this new way of life, and I'm so happy with the way it's turning out. Write myself a note every day with a piece of advice in it. Follow that advice. Live my life. 

It's a good time to be me :):):)

Not only is my cousin pregnant, the cousin I was bridesmaid for, but the baby is going to be my godson/daughter! And there's a wedding coming up that I'm being a maid of honour at, beyond exciting! So yeah, it's a good time to be me :)

The second celebration for mum's birthday!

I had the loveliest night yesterday, celebrating mama's birthday! Firstly we went for cocktails at the Waldorf, which was lovely but incredible posh, all their cocktails were like incredibly posh and I'm thinking - can't a girl get a sex on the beach? Which I asked for and they did for me, and it was the most beautiful tasting sex on the beach I will ever have. But after that we then found this lovely little bar in convent garden, called Belushi's. I think it was a Spanish owned bar. It had great atmosphere and amazing cocktails! The decorations on the walls were fabulous, it was the best place actually. 

Wedding Number 4: Rosie&Dan, August 2014

Ahh, now my beautiful cousin Rosie finally found her true love. Dan and Rosie are the perfect match, and their beautiful son Archie only adds to the magnificence of the family. This wedding was flawless, Rosie looked stunning in her dress and Dan very dapper in his tweed suit!

The cake and decor were flawless, it smells like the 90's being a common statement said among the guests. The retro themes were transcendent and very flattering of the couple. I had a wonderful time!

Now lets talk about the free bar! Waheyyy!

Rosie's maid of honour, Heather, did a reading during the ceremony. She choked up a few times throughout it, then was crying with happiness for her best friend. As well as there being a marriage made, Rosie and Heather formed an even stronger bond. There is no greater honour than being someone's Maid of Honour. From what I can tell, she did a splendid job of it too. Heather also happens to be one of the most stunning women I've ever met, and her and Rosie make a fabulous team.

Wedding Number 3: Leah&Lyndon August 2014

This was the wedding of Leah and Lyndon. It came as a great surprise to receive an invitation, seeing as we're quite distantly related. This wedding I was most excited for, having seen Leah's hardships while growing up, all I wanted was to see her happy. Lyndon is a great person, and together they have done a spectacular job of raising Freya and Olivia. I wish them all the luck in the world.

The photobooth was an amazing touch to an already brilliant day! The photos were printed out instantly, two copies, one for the Wedding Book and the other for those who took the photo. It was magical. The mix of the props and alcohol ensured everyone would let their hair down, and I had a fantastic day.

The bridesmaid wore turqoise and each centrepiece was named after someone who took part in the wedding. Our table, number 7, was for Millie, my beautiful younger cousin who was also a bridesmaid for Leah. It was a beautiful setting, and the theme was clearly about their freedom. They had lots of birdcages for decorations, which only adds to the beauty and magic of their special day.

These chatterboxes were absolutely glorious! They were fun and uplifting to those who have not yet fallen in love, or found their soulmate. I had a truly fantastic day.

Wedding Number 2: Ads&Rach, April 2014

This was the wedding of my cousin Adam, to my best friend Rachel. I was their Bridesmaid, and it was such a great honour to fill that role. Adam has always filled me with such confidence and made me feel loved, and I know that I have returned the favour many times after. These two remind me what love looks like, as I seem to have forgotten for a while. This April wedding was amazing, held in a barn in Eastbourne. It had a running theme of Game of Thrones, while our Bridesmaid dresses were Cadbury Purple, Adam's mum's favourite colour (sadly, she is no longer with us.) I was very proud of Adam and the way he handled himself on this day, and I'm grateful that he has Rachel to support and love him. 

Even posh barns have cocktails- and this wasn't my only one!

My best friend Carmen xxxxx

You are one of the most wonderful, kind, lovely, inspirational, charming, most beautiful women I have ever met, I would welcome you to the family, but I don't need to, you've been my family since the first day we met. Thank you for everything you've ever said/done/given to me, I'll always hold you close to my heart Mrs Rachel Summers xxx

Game of Thrones style cake!